She's a single mom - that girl.

 You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away 

 

So many days and night I spent whispering those words to my belly feeling my sweet baby tumbling about inside. Most of those times my voice was heavy with tears and my body was spent from sobbing - singing a lullaby to my sweet boy as an apology for the mess I was about to bring him into. I was scared and sorry already and praying to God that there was someway, anyway, to keep him inside me...the only place I could shelter him from all the pain I knew his life would hold. If only I had known...

 

Growing up you have all these dreams. The pretty wedding, the handsome groom, the beautiful house filled to the brim with the pitter patter of little feet and the sound of "momma" echoing throughout the walls filled with so much love it could burst. Then, there's real life. A husband who leaves you at the hospital only hours after they've frantically cut your new son from your body, the dad who refuses to hold his new son, the embarrassment when the nurse tells you with such excitement you can go home and your husband is too busy to come get you, the despair of being beyond exhausted with around the clock feedings and a fussy baby while trying to invent a way to get off the couch, alone, after having major abdominal surgery, and the years you spend desperately trying to be enough only to find out it's not possible.

 

Fast forward 5 years and you spend your nights crying yourself to sleep. You feel so helpless to help that sweet baby boy who's beside himself with energy and impulsiveness. You've read every book and spent many sleepless nights scouring the internet for a way to make him happy...to find some peace. Only to be in the midst of the battle, still, begging and pleading for someone to show you how to help your son. Alone. 

 

I'm that girl. That single mom. I wouldn't change any of it for the world - he's my everything, but it also continues to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm that single mom and he's my boy and we'll always have each other, always.