She's a single mom - that girl.

 You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away 

 

So many days and night I spent whispering those words to my belly feeling my sweet baby tumbling about inside. Most of those times my voice was heavy with tears and my body was spent from sobbing - singing a lullaby to my sweet boy as an apology for the mess I was about to bring him into. I was scared and sorry already and praying to God that there was someway, anyway, to keep him inside me...the only place I could shelter him from all the pain I knew his life would hold. If only I had known...

 

Growing up you have all these dreams. The pretty wedding, the handsome groom, the beautiful house filled to the brim with the pitter patter of little feet and the sound of "momma" echoing throughout the walls filled with so much love it could burst. Then, there's real life. A husband who leaves you at the hospital only hours after they've frantically cut your new son from your body, the dad who refuses to hold his new son, the embarrassment when the nurse tells you with such excitement you can go home and your husband is too busy to come get you, the despair of being beyond exhausted with around the clock feedings and a fussy baby while trying to invent a way to get off the couch, alone, after having major abdominal surgery, and the years you spend desperately trying to be enough only to find out it's not possible.

 

Fast forward 5 years and you spend your nights crying yourself to sleep. You feel so helpless to help that sweet baby boy who's beside himself with energy and impulsiveness. You've read every book and spent many sleepless nights scouring the internet for a way to make him happy...to find some peace. Only to be in the midst of the battle, still, begging and pleading for someone to show you how to help your son. Alone. 

 

I'm that girl. That single mom. I wouldn't change any of it for the world - he's my everything, but it also continues to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm that single mom and he's my boy and we'll always have each other, always.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

 "and i could save this
but I'd rather go
til you say im better
than most you know"

Something that I hate about me? It's probably been on my list of New Year's resolutions for years. I hate the way I let other people - most often people who mean nothing to me - dictate the way I feel about myself.

Perfect example? Just today someone told me that as girl/lover/friend that I'm not worth fighting for. That they shouldn't HAVE to fight for me and hence it wasn't worth their time...

The Italian in me...the female in me..everything in my should have stepped up...should have told this person to take their "fight" and keep on walking. Instead? I got all introspective and depressed. I sat on my couch with the chitter chatter of my sweet boy and Patrick Star in the background playing over in my head every failed relationship I've ever had.

How do I put an end to this? How to I find a state of mind...a happiness within myself where I simply don't care what someone else thinks? Do I even want to be that person? It seems like such a cold, callous way to live. But, sitting here on my couch wondering why I'm not worth the fight....it's not so great, either...

It can't rain all the time.

This has become my life mantra as of late.

I've yet to see the fruits of this, but I have to believe...for everything worth believing..that it really can't rain all the time.

I'm incredibly blessed with some really amazing people in my life, I know this. But, I've also come to realize that your friends can't fix you. They can be there...and mine have been amazing, no lie, but they can't do the work for me. For so many months I've kept all of this..crap...for lack of a better word closed behind a door. You can only pile so many things behind that door before it's precariously bulging at the hinges. My door is bulging. I have so much work ahead of me. I'm not at the point of opening the door yet. It's been flung open a few times in the past several weeks, but I'm always quick on my feet to make sure I muscle it shut again.

So, now I sit here realizing that even my bestest of friends can't fix this hurt for me. And, that eventually I'm going to have to take that door of the hinges and deal with what's in there. And, part of me..hopes it's soon....because sitting, alone, staring at a closed door is a very lonely place to be.

"Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall
forever."

-Jane Sidberry, It Can't Rain All The Time-